Thursday, June 01, 2006
wouldn't it be nice...
wouldn't it be nice... to be loved.
hmm... the other day emma was just telling me she was discussing with jocelyn over the phone why aren't any of us attached? hmm... interesting question.
its not like we're bad. in fact, i feel all of us are great. we all have unique characters, we stand out in our own way, we're not detested. we're just not the typical girls. we're the high end market:) hahah. that's why it takes a longer time to find wealthy 'buyer'. i'm not treating us like goods or anything cause that would be cheap. its an analogy. wealthy meaning the guy/ girl (i don't know if any of u all swing both ways but then again i think we're all straight.) who eventually gets us for the lifetime is who we dreamt/ hoped/ pictured/ want to be. the person be rich in character( for me being rich financially is a plus;)
i just can't wait for this guy to come walking into my life, sweep me off my feet and start my own life and family. sometimes i do think about how it would feel to have flings and date around. it SOUNDS fun but then again i thought of the other which is loving only one guy and having fun learning and experiencing things with one another. grow old, live, travel and do all kinds of other stuff together.
the upside of having flings i feel is no strings attached. you get to satisfy sudden physical urges, experience which kind of guy best suits you in reality and not what you think suits you. for me what i think suits me is a well-to-do, relatively cute by my standards, intelligent, hot, manly, with a career caucasian man. yes, i still like caucasians. i dunno why. i think there's no responsibilty to short flings. its quite a nice why to relax, get to know people hang around. besides how long more do we have to live? we're turning 17. lets say we live till 80 we have 63 years more. unless scientist found the way to eternal life like vampires in novels( i wanna be a vampire) . i would wanna be a vampire if only it is portrayed like how it is in the movie underworld, blade and the book the last vampire. imagine having all the time in the world to do everything. i mean everything. visit every inch of this world, and the universe.
i know most of my dreams are materialistic but i'm not rich. i've not exprerience the joy of not having to worry about cash. hmm...
i still hope my caucasian will come by someday. i'm not a sarong party girl. i'm just traoubled by which path to take.
about that i recently realised how much i have aged. i mean now when we do stuff the impact of consequences are larger, we feel the pain. i can no longer act like a kid( which i don't to start with) and the stuff we learn at school are harder and they are of more relevance to our future path. seriously i do not know what i truly want to do . i believe evryone i mena everysingle being is good at something like talentedor genius. people like andy roddick are damn lucky to find their niche area and earning bucks and doing what they love and is good at for a living. i mean a road sweeper can be a damn good skier? maybe i an excellent knitter something? like their are so many stuff to do and weird occupations out there, you'll never know whta u're good at. back to the point, i need to start thinking what i really wanna do. i dun thnk i can do something i like. i'm still not sure whether i like the food industry anot. i mean i LOVE to watch cooking shows i can just sit in fornt of the TV and stone. i also like home decor and fashion. but isn't it common for girls to like them? i torn between finding a job that earns me big bucks or something i love?
i dunno actaully. maybe it was good that i was illiterate, went back to the basics and get married at 15 and be a baby making machine and home maker caring for the household. life would be so trouble-free. i mean life would be so simple.
i have no goals in life. i have dreams but no goals. i feel this way is it because i do have have faith in any religion. i mean sometimes i do believe there is god and pray for a miracle( i dunno how i pray without having a specific religion). i'm in the mist of reading this book called the case of christ by lee strotel, a book my christian friend lent it to me. the books says that jesus is like a medium to communicate to god or somthign near that. not sure. dun blame me if i get it wrong. jesus aid for our sins. but i mean is it fair to allow someone to pay for our sins. i mean i would be great to commit a sin and get away with it but its a little too good to be true. i've read and heard that religion gives one a purpose in life and also some kind of hope for the afterlife. i mean if no one believed in god or any religion then life would be meaningless. there would be chaos. religion is like discipline in some way it helps complete a person spiritually.
*sighs* i don't know. probably i'll find a religion that i believe someday. tehe thought of eventually dying kinda sacres me a little. if lets say the whole god thing is a hoax where do we go then after we die? float around in space? just be another rotting body underground and your soul just vanishes?
these issues keeps bugging me. my life , future. i need a break from my life and try something else. maybe a spa will help:)
5:08 AM
Sunday, May 28, 2006
sometimse i just wanna give up
sometimes i just want to give up everything.
i think i'm insecure and paranoid.
i dunno what's wong with me. i seem to get paranoid over little stuff easily. i get irritated easily and i'm intolerant of certain crap.
i am so stressed over my future. like damn stressed. i wished i was born genius.
and i technically have lesser clothes cause some i can't wear anymore. i need to lose more weight!! not really weight but tummy. that dreaded part of my body.
anyway thanks to my sister my ankle is slightly swollen. she closed the car door on my ankle.
sometimes i just hate naggings from my family. like my aunts and stuff. sometimes when they ask me how's school then i say boring i hate some of the stuff i learn. then they'll go on about how hard it is to work and earn money. then they say what i should work hard for a scholarship if i wanna go overseas. BUT THEY JUST PISS ME OFF. scholarship does not only require hardwork but also brains which i dun think i have much off.
anyway is it very obvious when i'm unhappy or pissed. do i have that look? everyone says i do. which i quite irritating at times. sometimes i'm just thinkig about stuff and i dun feel liek smiling cannot is it. if i keep smiling u guys will never know whether my smile is genuine right. i hate giving fake smiles. so taxing on my facial muscles.
my cousin just got back from her one mocth uni thing in the US she got me a pair of levis jeans. it cost me 35 dollars. so cheap:) i love the thin soft material colour and the slouch cutting:) but its a size too big however my brother says its ok but u know if i jerk abit here and there it falls off! she was telling me if its too big she'll sell it off. but i love it:( as in the levis jeans is singapore is so thick and uncomfortable. should i keep it? but it will be a waste of money if i intend to lose weight right? stressed. ( this is what i mean about me getting paranoid easily) the levis is junior jeans so the colour of the jeans is blackish blue with a tinge or purple. there are like 3 colour thread red blue and yellow. so fun:D
sometimes i just hate my life and cry. i hate it in so many ways.
i will never achieve the goals i've set for myself. no strength, motivation and abiliy to do so. i doubt myself.
4:37 AM
