Saturday, March 12, 2005
120305 part 3
disappointment.... my life is one.i'm a disappointment to myself. my family is a disappointment. some friends are a disappointment. so what's more to expect out of life... more disappointment?anyway i'm alone at home now... i didn't feel like going out neither did i feel like staying at home.
there's nothing to do at home... nothing!
i seem to hate many things in my life... i just a screwed up lardball.
5:16 PM
120305 part 2
oh yar before i forgot... that idoit took the money my mum gave him for buying the stuff we wanted and went to clubs. fucking bastard! luckily i didn't give him my own money.. fucking asshole waited for whole 3 days without any crap!!!!! shit head!!!! i was so looking forward to tse stuff!!!! FUCK!!! i hate people breaking promises!!!!!!! shit!!!!!!! i really want those stuff!!!!! fuck that idoit spoiled my whole holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
for him to go on that trip, is a fucking waste of money!!!
12:32 PM
120305
WTF!!! stupid idiotic brother went thailand never get me anything!!!!!! not even one of the stuff i requested!!!!! fucking disappointed man! went to the airport and waited for like 50 minutes and what i get nothing! waiting for the past 3 days... what he got me? NOTHING!!!! except his stupid alcohols! fuck! idoit! asshole!!!
i want my slipper, leather belt, bag boardshorts, shoe, t shirts!!!!
anyway i saw
1) 3 hot backpackers
2) cheryl from 4S but i didn't say hi
3) my brother's fren who's hot
anyway i reckon that a guy who looks good in a suit, isn't that awful looking.
so yeah i'm like fucking pissed now cos those stuff mention and some other stuff are on my things to get list... as u can see there's alot so i wanted my brother to get it from thailand at a cheaper price... BUT HE DIDN"T GET ME ANYTHING!!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING CRAP IS THIS??? IF I EVER WERE TO GO OVERSEAS>>>> HE'LL GET HIS FUCKING PAYBACK AND NOT GET ANYTHING!!!!!!
12:13 AM
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
080305 part 2
i think the other post sounded kinda offensive??
sorry sorry... i was pissed and disappointed....it's just i've never ever encountered anything like that and as most people would have known i'm not very good at solving my own problems:)
6:21 PM
080305
is being straight forward, insensitive?
'CRAPINESS IS SUCH A BIG PART OF BIG... IT MAY BE INSENSTIVE AT TIMES... MY JOKES AND CRAP... BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE LIKE TOLD ME AND NOT DO WHAT YOU DID?'
many thoughts are running through my head some good some bad. it's just that by treating me like a freak isn't gonna beat telling me the truth. i would have greatly appreciated it and wouldn't have taken it so hard if u were to tell me staright instead of wanting me to look for my answer from someone? hurt me by being straightforward? you know me for what
3 years godammit. i would rather get hurt that way instead of dealing the problem the way you are doing it. having this whole bizarre reaction without any vital signs. what do you want me to do? instead of staying dormant and having this one whole huge erruption., i would rather you tell me off the moment you can'y stand me? so you can get your load off and i would understand how you felt and stop what u hate about me...you
used to be straightforward.
you ran away from telling me the truth first thing in the morning... leaving me to ponder of what wrong deeds i've done to upset you... and finally getting to know the answer to my question only after 6 hours from someone else... and also found out that the things i did for the past 3 yearshave been upsetting you?
i hate it when something's not ok... don't put up the everythings ok look.
i'm seriously upset now... it's not about the problem... it's about the way you have chosen to handle things.
it's like out of no where a sudden bizarre action and leaving me to think what the hell is wrong? without any warnings????
you are a great person and i don't wanna lose you because of this incident.
so it's like should we
1) drfit apart?
2) resolve this shit and go back how we used to be?
3) resolve it and start all over?
fuck i don't really have the time to go over this... i am who i am at the end of the day... i'll try to change a little...but you can't really expect someone to do something without really letting her know what she's wrong about? i do not have a problem with you... you have a problem with me. so i guess it'll be great if u tell me.
so if you wanna resolve this shit with me.... cut the crap and tell me straight. i would probably get over it within the next hour or so.. i'm not really the type who bears a grudge.
i'm not like unhappy that someones hates something about me.... i'm absolutely fine with it... well no ones perfect... you can tell me...serious... i'm like the feedback box.
FUCK AND DAMN THIS DAY
3:20 PM
080305
today has just been weird... i'll just sleep it off
4:36 AM
Sunday, March 06, 2005
060305 part 2
i think i'm by far the most insecure person... i've thinking in the shower... people say in the end of the day if you don't help yourself ... no ones there to help you...
i want miracles and opportunities in my life.... but how am i going to create them myself... i'm so restricted by my surroundings... i cannot name those restrictions... it's all too complicated...
i've been thinking... maybe i should take up a hobby or sport to destress...
but what should i do?
i don't mind tennis...
dancing... as in hip hop ballroom or salsa...yesterady i saw this dance performance at millenium walk... i just realise i miss the days when i learn gymnastics when i was young... flipping around working out... having fun...
or learn disc jocking at a club.... but then again in singapore it's very hard to be famous... as in well-known around the world like Dj tiesto and paul okenfold...
that's why i've sad in singapore many things that we do... we have to put in 3, 4 or even 5 times the amount if effort in completing and achieveing stuff...
many people have said... treasure what we have... we should be glad of what we have a think about those in the third world countries... but it's like in life everybody strives for perfection...
i used to be a competitive person... now i've become this laib back, hack care and a person who goes with the flow... that's like such a huge leap... i started changing when i came into cedar... i'm not blaming cedar for it... it's just that when i went there i really started thinking about me, my life and surroundings...
maybe i shouldn't have transfered school in the first place... i wonder what would life be like... would i be better off? but then again when i came into cedar i gotta know a group of great friends... friendships which i hope would last... so the thing is i've gotta choose... friends or normal life?
9:45 AM
060305
hey... i feel so empty... so alone...
just woke up from one of those time consuming long naps which i take when i don't even feel tired ... and these naps leave more tired than before...
i'm just thinking that i cannot handle all the crap i'm going through in life now... i want a perfect life... maybe because of this eccentric thinking i've been putting too much pressure on myself... but i really can't keep up with the whole Olevels crap... i'm feeling freaking stressed... cos the Os aren't like the PSLE it's very important and it can really decide how your life is gonna be...i think i'm breaking down... i don't cry... ijust like let one or two tears out and that's it... i'm not a crying person neither am i a person who shares my problems readily.... in my life i think that there's no one who truly understands me... not even my family and that's sad.... i keep many of my feelings from them... i would rather discuss my feelings with my friends than my family... but them as i've said i'm not the kind who pours my feelings out... my friends have their own problems and feelings to deal with... it would be so unfair for them to listen to all my crap...nowadays i feel so empty at night... i used to love the nights... the peace and the tranquil sound of the crickets creaking... i still do... but some how the loneliness is kinda getting onto me...i don't really like the day... and i still don't... but the hate for the day is far lesser than the fear of loneliness at night...perhaps i need a special someone... to listen to all my problems... help me through this part of my life... help me to triumph in one piece, mentally.( i think that maybe nearing the Os i'lll prolly breakdown mentally.)it sounds like i need a robot... if only there's one...the only thing thats been keeping me going has been my favourite tv programs and day dreamming about my eccentric dreams...the only thing real fucked up in my lfie is studies... i suck at it... even if i tried i still get shitty grades... i don't really know what i'm going to do... like in the picture i'm like stuck in the corner with nowhere else to go and nothing i can do but just sit there and cry and feel sad for myself...seriously i wanna lead a good life... but that requires like hard work and stuff... my family is just so average... seriouly ppl say that money isn't everything... but it is the root cause of many problems and can help solve problems to a certain extent which i good enough... if only i had the money i'll just move out and live alone in some slow life style... and truly enjoy life...it's not i don't like fast paced stuff... actually i enjoy speed very much... i miss the days where my dad rides the bike and sends me to school cutting through traffic and avoiding cars in a faster speed... i know that that's dangerous but you can't really expect much fun from somethign when there's no danger...i think one of the main problems here is that i'm in singapore born breed here... she is such a boring place which nothing much u can do without qualifications...which i think is just a stupid piece of paper which is of not much use... at the end of the day... it's the things you enjoy and the exprerience that you tresure that counts not a piece of paper...so if u think singapore is a great country think again... it's safe and all... but why left the safe factor refrain you from accomplishing other things in life... if it's really your time to go.... i'll rather leave this world with nice great memories... rather than a piece of paper...there's so many things unavailable here... i want to pursue and try many other things... and maybe i can earn a a living without qualifications... be a racer? surfer? club dj? maybe other stuff...i believe that everyone is good at something... i think it's the luck one's got to discover it early or late in life or maybe never even discover it...i'll head for the showers and try to back track into this life...
but till then i'll just try to keep up in this crap life... for now... if i can't... i think i'll just give up and maybe derail from this straight road...
so yeah i think i'll just prolly just complete one or two more hw and just go sleep... wake up to a brand new day which i hop that some miracle happens
8:44 AM
